Expectations

Today a coworker of mine had a brief breakdown at school. Hers had to do with husband-trouble, which stemmed, in part, from the lack of time they have together now that she is taking, not three, but FOUR graduate classes, while teaching a class or two at the college, and teaching at a community college as well. She was quiet all through class, while we discussed the three articles we'd read for homework. Usually my friend always talks, says something, smiles brightly. But today she did not say a word. I kept looking over at her, thinking does she hate these articles we read? When class ended, my other friends, Zoey & Bonny came over and they said to her, "Lou, what are you thinking?"

Her face turned pink and we saw her eyes go wet behind her glasses. She kept asking: "When are we allowed to break down? When do we get time for that?

It is week three of our second semester of graduate school. All of us are in a nonfiction program. And we struggle daily. I think it easier for me, sometimes, because I am alone. I think it is harder for me, sometimes, because I am alone.

Graduate School seems synonymous with expectations. You apply, hoping, but not really believing, that maybe you will be accepted. And when you are, cross your fingers for that teaching assistantship that will pay your way through, because gods know YOU are not going to pay for it. And when it comes through, and you're in, then you realize it is time to grow up, to develop yourself, to become a Professional. Suddenly you are afraid to go out dancing, lest a coworker or future student sees you; you are afraid to climb trees because what if someone sees and thinks you are not a serious student? You are afraid of failure. You need to study hard, read everything, write everything. That is what you are here to do, after all: to read and write and learn. But you are also here to teach. And network.

If you read the Right books, meet the Right people, get the Right grades, then you will move on and get the Right life. You will have found the key to happiness.

But is it worth the stomach aches? The heartburn? The night terrors? Is it worth the lack of sleep? Or awful teaching moments that creep into your dreams? 

Maybe, by the time we've graduated, we will look back on grad school and say, those were the days, but I think that some of us will settle into ordinary jobs (that maybe don't even require a degree, or have anything to do with what we majored in) and we will be satisfied. With an ordinary job, your life is centered on job performance, and maybe the next job. But in grad school, if you want to move up the ladder, then it's all got to be perfect. There is no room for error. It is not a journey, but a destination. Is living grad school with such expectations even living at all?

In that same class, while we were analyzing an essay that appeared to discuss feminism and so on, Zoey said, We're so caught up in critically analyzing everything that we can't enjoy anything anymore. I can't even watch the shows I used to like, because I keep thinking about them.

Our instructor responded with, Isn't that fun though?

Ruinous

Fixed Idea:
Sexual relations compulsively indiscriminant
abandoned display of emotions--assertive, bold, enterprising--
with different partners.

(A feeling) of intense emotional attachment
Unwanted feeling--insistent, repetitious--
agitation caused by imminent danger.

Addict promiscuous obsessed (identification)
initiating hostilities due to intense desire and
attraction, dangerous to oneself,
Ruinous.

Looking in the Club

               The Milk Bar on goth night; Halloween. Viking couple with leather vests and great headcoverings--the woman in a busty brazier, the man very very tall (7 feet?) strong abdominals revealed. Tall faery in a blue flower-petal skirt and top; glittery face. She dances with the wall in the basement; this is how some goths dance when the floor is overflowing with humans in dark masks long cloaks and fake weapons.

               Wire tie-boy. Headband with wire ties attached; wire ties around his wrists and feet; he is not goth. He is short, skinny, "Trying to get a job as a host." Ick, more restaurant business. Gemini. Moving on.

               "I'm going upstairs,"
               "I'll come with you."

               Shrug.

               He follows. Dances in place; doesn't really dance.

               "You're vanilla, aren't you?"

               "I'm what?"

               "That means you are."

               My friend asks me later, at the cafe, "Would you prefer that they say 'what?' or 'yes, I am.'"

               I think about it. "I think I'd prefer 'what?' because at least that means they don't know yet. If they know they're vanilla and are happy with it, then it isn't worth the effort."

               Guy in a beaked-mask (Black Plague? V for Vendetta?) is dancing. I thought he had a staff earlier...I want something to spin, since nothing will spin me. But he does not have one. He suggests we exchange information later. I smile and walk away.

               But later we are looking for food. We walk the streets on the hunt for pizza; pizza at 2 a.m. We find none. His friend is drunk; asks me how I make my writing unbiased if I am a Journalist trying to prove the Truth. "Everything is biased," I respond. "I am biased. I can see this building here and write about it, but you might notice first the ground. There is never unbias."

               I have become philosophical. Grad school has affected my head and everything I thought I knew. I am out at night with strangers. Keep testing myself. Naivity has always been my way. It's something I understand. Or do I? Philosophy again.

               We find no food, and like a hungry cat I growl. But boy in mask--and reniassance garb (billowy white shirt, shorts, sandals?) notices club. Nightclub; after 2 a.m. club. In Denver? We check it out. It is loud. We get in free. The woman doesn't bother checking IDs. I put my trenchcoat down; tuck license and key into my sock. We dance to dubstep. Ren-boy offers me drink; I say no. He offers me water; I drink greedily. I dance alone. He tries dancing with me; offers his arse for my whip's tongue. He runs from me and I chase; he's fast, ducking under table and sliding through. How does he not trip in such baggy clothing?

               We find a fence blocking big gym. Hop over it. Fake spider webs and holloweeny things adorn the rafters, the staircases, the balconies; it is beautiful. The room is empty; emptiness is more beautiful. I cartwheel. I handstand. I retrieve my whip from the dirty floor. We explore. On the second story he mumbles something, takes my hand. I stand solid; unyielding. I have no lead, I am the one with the whip.

               "What?" I say.

               "Let's explore," he explains, and I feel light-headed, like finally someone curious, someone...dangerous.

               We explore.

               Back in the dubstep room we dance; side-side shoulders-shoulders, step back, spin, forward; we swing a little. (swing dance!) He is a theatre boy; moves and talks like a theatre boy. Cute like I imagine they should be. I am stereotyping; he is sweet. He seems sweet. I don't actually know him.

               My trench coat is gone forever. Stolen. Luckily I was smart--key and license still on me.

               We say goodnight and part ways. I wonder how many lies I've been fed and slurped up; I wonder if really he is in the food business, another dead end. I wonder if he's selling mushrooms rather than growing biological ones that eat oil; I wonder if he sleeps with every girl and how often he smokes pot. I like his hands on my face, but refuse kisses. It isn't the challenge now, but the smoke--he smokes. He thinks I am moving slow. Let him think that. Probably I will never see him again.

               And I wonder what the point is. I am no longer dancing to dance. I am searching, calling, hoping. What is it for? Why do I do it? Drive an hour to dance to songs I can hardly dance to. But at least no one will grind. But do I maybe want to grind, and deny it? Confusion deflates my ego. I can't keep going out. Need sleep. Need responsibility. But I have always been responsible; always been afraid of trouble. This is the beginning of the breaking out, the individuality, the fucking-up, if you will. I am looking outside to find what's inside. I know that isn't how to do it. But it's like addiction--once you start. You. Can't. Stop.

Dark Roofs

Snow pads softly across the ground. 

Cars hide beneath a transparent sheet.

Powdered sugar sprinkled on trees.

White drops fall silently through streetlamp's light.

Quiet-as-death.

Distant siren colors the quiet; disturbing sound in this place of

 

cold; of white; 

place which feels as though it should Rest in Peace(s of sky)

on dark roofs.

Talk about Respect

The night was warm and relentless. It felt like it would never end. The young men and women were sitting around the fire, passing a flask around—whiskey anyone?—and a bottle of black liquid that no one seemed able to name. I had brought a friend. Not a boyfriend exactly, but a special friend…the kind you bring to sleepovers but not home? Like that. At that moment, sitting around the fire with all the boys laughing and joking, he felt like my guardian.

The friend who had invited me—Hannah—had since abandoned my friendship and was currently rolling around in the lap of the oldest man—he was in his forties, and married with some kids. None of them were around though, and he was sneaking quick grabs under her shirt and down her pants as I squirmed on my side of the fire. I was afraid to leave her alone with them, but not very interested in staying either. If my boy-toy hadn’t been there, who knows what would have happened. I ignored Hannah, focusing instead on my toy. He was laughing and listening to the boys’ stories.

Hannah needed to pee. She insisted on this in a very loud voice, while trying to untangle her legs from around Bob’s—the old man—thighs. When she fell the first time, everyone just stared and didn’t bother doing anything. It was hard to look at her as anything other than a tramp. I hadn’t seen my friend in almost seven years. This was the first I’d seen in all that time, and I was not proud of it. I was not happy that she treated herself so disrespectfully.

The second time she fell, Bob got off his stump and helped her up. He led her out into the woods, and we sat around the fire. It felt cold to me, and I got shivers up and down my arms. All I could think was of whatever he was doing to her out there. Was he being buddy-buddy and letting her know she was a good kid and deserved the best and he was a friend? Was he saying all that while shoving his dick up her ass? It made me want to gag.

Ted, one of the cuter boys, was leaning his shoulders and neck against a tree, with the rest of his body along the ground. He had drank an entire pint of some kind of hard whiskey, and was speaking in mumbles and accentuating his fs. If I had left my boy at home, Ted was the one I’d be after right then. Alex, Hannah’s ex, was sitting opposite Ted, with his own assortment of drinks and the chicken legs he hadn’t finished sloughing down. When I saw Hannah again, she told me all about how good it was when Alex gave her anal. I had had to literally change the subject in the middle of her thought when she brought it up. It could not be handled by I.

Alex was gangly and he had a crew cut. His teeth looked rotten in his mouth, with sticky excess climbing the once-white teeth like thick roots. He laughed like a hick. His whole manner gave me the creeps. The only reason I had agreed to come out was for the campfire and a game of paintball in the morning. I hadn’t thought of all the uncomfortable sensations I’d need to get through first.

When Bob came back dragging Hannah with him, I jumped up to help. I wanted her to sit near me and away from all the boys. They weren’t safe. But he said we needed to lay her down on her stomach so she wouldn’t choke, so we did, downhill, so it would slide that way. Bob threw some water in her face and she spit at it and mumbled. He threw more until she opened her eyes and hurled. I stepped back, not interested in participating any further in this. Alex threw a plastic bottle at her head, still as it was on the ground. Bob held her hair back as she hurled.

After that she fell asleep and I took my toy to bed. We got into my tent, fooled around a little, and went to sleep. Well, he fell asleep. I laid awake for what felt like hours, wondering how my friend had gotten to be so submissive and easily used. I wondered who had started her on this trend, and if there was anything I could do to save her from herself.

I was being shaken. I opened my eyes but couldn’t see anything except the shadows of branches above my tent. The wind was wild and the tent felt like it might come loose from the hooks we’d plunged into the ground. I looked at my toy, but he was still asleep. When I shook him, his breath didn’t skip a beat. I lay back down and thought about sleep, but the shaking continued and I realized I had to pee. I got on my hands and knees and climbed out of the tent.

The moon made everything bright and very easy to see. Hannah was no longer lying on the hill. I couldn’t see her anywhere. Bob was sleeping on a chair by where she’d been hours ago. I turned around and her face was right in front of me. I jumped back, tripped on something and fell. She didn’t try helping me up. She didn’t move at all. The wind kept whipping the trees and branches, and her long red hair was tying knots on itself. She stared straight ahead, not looking at me. I got up and looked back at her. It was like she wasn’t really there.

“I’m pregnant,” she said unnaturally. I should have been more surprised, or shocked, but I wasn’t. And her tone didn’t imply a need for concern.

“Shouldn’t you do something about that?” I said, wiping the dirt that I’d fallen in from my butt.

“I’m pregnant by him,” she said, looking past me at Bob.

“What? When? God, Hannah…” I didn’t know how to respond. What if he heard us?

She looked at me for the first time. “I don’t want the baby to know that THAT was his father.”

“His?”

She was staring at him again, with real hatred in her eyes. “I just wanted to make Alex jealous. But he doesn’t care.”

“You deserve better than these assholes,” I said, reaching for her hand, but it looked like my hand went right through hers.

“He made me pregnant back there,” she said, motioning behind her. “I just wanted you to know… I wanted you to be here to see that I did something good. I can do something right.” She walked past me and I saw a bottle in her hand. She raised it to Bob’s lips and poured it into his mouth.

“What are you doing?” I asked, not moving.

But she continued to pour. I heard some gurgling and a slight sigh, then she smiled and dropped the bottle in my lap. “Now he’ll never know.”

I woke up with my toy snoring in my ear. It was quiet outside. I unzipped the tent and stood up, only in a t-shirt and a pair of boxers. Hannah was lying on the hill next to Bob’s chair. He was still sitting there. I saw her move. She sat up and looked over the water. Her hair was gnarled and greasy from the night before—from the alcohol and people touching it, and twigs breaking off in it, and from vomiting on it. She turned and looked at me. She smiled.

When Ted came out of the tent he yipped and started shaking the other tents. I heard my toy cry out in alarm. Ted pushed Bob out of his chair and the man just lay there, unmoving.

“Hey you shit, I thought I was the alarm!” someone said, coming over, but I don’t know who. It wasn’t important. Bob was still, too still.

I looked back at Hannah, and she was still smiling. I could see that look of triumph in her eye and even in her posture. I knew she wouldn’t be bending over for another person unless she called the shots. And I was proud of her.

My Life

So it's a little weird knowing that my exes look at this blog on occasion. But it's also enlightening--at least there's a reason to keep it alive. I didn't think anyone was looking at it anymore. So here's a deal: if someone makes a comment by Christmas, then I promise to keep my blog updated weekly. But then I need to receive a comment at least every month. Grad school is no simple road, and I don't have time for this, but I'm trying to make time. Blog instead of watching "Jericho" sigh. I love Jericho.

My life:

Lesson plan for two CO 150 classes. Teach those classes. Grade assignments. Grade forums. Talk to students.

Graduate classes. Read 300+ pages a week (this is far less than what many others have to read--especially the literature majors). Write papers. Politics. Ugh. I hate politics.

Writing: Write every day. Fine, every other day, or sometimes, every two days. But write. Keep writing. Don't give up. Write nonfiction. Write about S & M. Write fiction. Submit to Circlet. Get published. Woot!

Reading. Read about teaching styles. Read about graduate school. Read for grad school. Read about literary journalism. Read erotica for that anthology I HAVE TO PUBLISH. Read what I want. Ha! Like there's time.

Real World. Pay bills. Write out checks to every utility: rent, electric, gas, water, internet. Writing checks makes it real. I feel like an adult. Food. Make big meals and eat the same thing all week. Too much money. Gas. Too much money. Friends...well, no time.

Colorado. Get mad about the lack of woods. Get mad about taxes. Mad about parking fees for every state park. Mad about the sun. Mad about the lack of weather. Mad that the bus system is a joke. Mad that I am mad about everything no matter where I live. Fulfillment.

Thinking. All of this requires thinking. Write some before bed. Turn the thinking off like a lamp. Kill it, destroy it, bury it underground so that it never sees the light of day.

Someone New

There once was a girl who fell in love with everyone, all the time. She loved to love people, and things, and learning was always her favorite activity. But she learned to hide these feelings from those who would take advantage. For a long time she searched and searched, but there was no one she really loved anymore; everyone seemed to her to be the same. It was like looking for a quarter in the Atlantic Ocean.

Then one day she found him. He was beautiful and sexy and kind and fun, everything she had always dreamed of. She didn't just fall for him, she collapsed over him, in a state that some might call faint or "swooning." He liked her too, she thought, but he wouldn't tell her so, or he would say it in a cryptic way, like, "I like you a lot," whenever she wanted him to say, "I love you."

They spent many months together, but distantly, because they lived so far apart. They saw each other every now and then, but it became too much. And his work became overpowering. They made plans to meet again, to go camping and dance the nights away, but he got too busy and cancelled. When he didn't call for over a week, her feelings began to boil in a fury, and she wanted to know what was going on, and why he'd called her a good person when she needed to know that he liked her.

"Well, we're not dating," he said. And just like that, like the snap of someone's fingers, she knew that he had found someone else. She talked to him for a little while, damming back tears that could fill Lake Powell.

She didn't want to end up like her parents--miserable and alone, or miserable and obsessive. She didn't want to be the girl who jumped like a spider from boy to boy until she was so destroyed that she'd give up all hope. She cried for a long time. But then she remembered that he was a useless boy, and she didn't need him anyhow. She erased his number from her phone, deleted him from her Facebook Friends list, and tried to move on. But always in the back of her mind she was wondering, maybe someday...

And she went on her road trip to meet Someone New. Happily every after?